Oops I Did It For The First Time

I was staring longing at my calendar, April 14th only a day away. See some sick, secret part of me wanted to see Britney Spears in concert, but I knew I hadn't the funds to see this. At this exact moment I received a phone call from the illustrious Peter, informing me that he had just scored four Britney tickets and they were mine all mine! And my friends too of course. I squealed with joy. I had been following my Britney concert moments starting with her exclaiming "My pussy is hanging out!" on stage and also her getting booed away in Canada. She claims she smelled marijuana smoke and so it was not safe for her and her dancers to be out there. I don't know what she would do if she smelled coke or Valium but ok!

I have heard a lot off of her new album "Circus" and just barely figured out why parents were horrified when they heard their children walking around singing "If U Seek Amy" I actually felt like an ignorant parent actually when my oh....OH! Kicked in. We surprised our sweet little Ashlee telling her that we had a present for her and when Trax dropped us off at the Energy Solutions Arena, her realization kicked in as to where we were going. Within five seconds of being there I was hit up for a cigarette by a homeless man and a girl with glitter eyelashes and a bright blue halter top. I was more frightened of the girl. I have an Ed Hardy lighter, it was purchased for me as a JOKE so when people kept asking to borrow it, I felt defensive like I should tell them I don't really like Ed Hardy. That was, until I saw 90% of the population wearing Ed Hardy gear in there. What was this an audition for Rock of Love?

As usual, we were late, that's what we do, so we missed the Pussycat Dolls opening up. I walked in questioning as to whether or not there was at least beer when I saw a man who looked like he did not belong there gripping his beer for dear life. I said "Look he has one!" his eyebrows raised as though he needed it and I said "He needs one!" he nodded his head up and down slowly in agreement without speaking a word. We later realized why he was at the show when he was surrounded by a heard of large breasted blonde girls all hugging onto him.

I got my overpriced reason to pee ($6.75! PLUS A $1 tip) and was scared that I was missing the concert, for people had started stampeding inside as though they were running terrified from a T-Rex on Jurassic Park. Not wanting to miss the action we quickly ran around looking for our seats. It was the usual hyping up they do for about 30 minutes and all. Look I appreciate Britney being able to help out the carnies in this tough economy but we wanted her to come on stage and show us her crazy ass.

Finally, an elaborate introduction started up on a big screen that was housed on a circus looking stage and it was a very eerie Perez Hilton dressed up like a Ringmaster giving the introduction super-pepped up and grainy looking. I just thanked the lord I didn't take mushrooms for this show. Brit came out with "Circus" and I will have to admit, she did get that banging body back (no thanks to a court order I am sure) and the production was ridiculously elaborate. I mean it was full on acrobatics, midgets, flexible and talented dancers and lots of lip-syncing. Ok maybe her pussy wasn't hanging out (she said it not me) but her boob did fall out at one point. If she exclaimed it, the mic man was smart enough to have it off this time.

In between clothing changes people would come out and do some more acts, and seriously at one point, I wanted to cover a poor child's eyes when this film came on that had Britney, masked men, and all of the making of an Eyes Wide Shut film while "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These" bellowed out by Marilyn Manson. Seriously if the 8 year old in front of me ends up being a fetishist serial killer when he gets older, I can pinpoint the exact moment that it happened. She sang her old hits "Look at Me" all the kids got up and sang to "If U Seek Amy" as well. Oh I bet that boy in front of me had lots of questions for him mom when he got home, I mean I saw a lot of orgasmic dancing and even couch humping going on. I thought this only happened in my living room while I was drunk.

I stepped out for a smoke and met a boy asking if I had seen the Youtube footage of all her concerts as many times as he had. He was pumped. He was outside because he knew the order the concert was going to be in and Britney was his favorite. I say this with utmost sincerity, there is nothing more that makes me happy in this world than a man in love with Britney Spears.

Pre-encore Britney sang "Hit Me Baby One More Time" but the innocence of her first hit was definitely lost at this point, weird huh? Not wanting to get caught up in the crowd, we left right as she was singing the highly anticipated "Womanizer" Hey this concert was right up my curiosity alley, but at some point I started getting all Mother Teresa and could not stop thinking of the children there! It was still awesome though.