Nationwide Is On Satan's Side

So after all the toiling that goes into buying a house, having great helping in finding said awesome house, we are in. The final and end result that gets you into a house would be homeowners insurance. Ah, yes.

Not too hard to do if you have car insurance already right? You just call up an agent and get it hooked on with your car insurance and away you go? Not if your name is Ryan Bigg and you work for Nationwide. Ryan is special. Very helmeted special indeed. He started out by not keeping in touch with my financing officer in the beginning so that we could close on our house early.

Something tells me he took a few days off to stay home and play WoW, so he was a little more than busy and couldn't help us out as quickly as we needed it to be done. I understand, I mean all that Mountain Dew is not going to drink itself.

So we missed an early closing, and moved in a bit later. Ryan was sooo confused when I was mildly upset about this. I guess his mom never gets mad at him when he doesn't do his homework. Well, after much bumbling and fumbling on Ryan's behalf, and after he managed to ask many repetitive questions over and over and over again, he somehow managed to wizard wand me into getting homeowners insurance.

Maybe I wasn't grateful enough. Maybe I should have mailed him a gold star. "Yay Ryan you do job goodly!!" But, alas, I was too excited to be in my new home to be thinking about sending gold stars. But, Ryan, he likes to remind me that he misses me.

So he calls me last week while I am at work. He wants me to call him back to tell him about this visual inspection they have done and that my roof is in poor condition and that they saw a dog on my property that didn't look like a chihuahua! He would like to know if we did an inspection before we purchased the house, and if we can send it to him.

I assume Ryan just misses my voice, silly guy, he knows we did the inspection and sent him the report! It was one of their terms before they could insure us! To appease Ryan though, I call him back and let him know. Oh Ryan, he lost the report. I understand, keeping a customer's information on file isn't really important when you have SO MUCH sitting and staring blankly at your desk wall thinking about nothing to do.

So I have my Realtor send him another one. But Ryan just isn't ready to let me off the hook just yet. He is such a goofy friend, wants to get some more jabs in and says that they saw a dog on my property that wasn't a chihuahua. Well the funny thing, Ryan, I haven't even brought my dog over to live with me yet. So no, we don't have any dogs. Ryan starts goofing with me again, forcing me to list all of the neighborhood dogs that live within the perimeter of me. I think it is ridiculous and I don't like this game, but I play along.

I mean I have been with Nationwide 12 freaking years, what could they possibly do. Well, a week goes by. I come home yesterday on my birthday ready to die from tired. I have a letter from Nationwide informing me they are canceling my homeowners insurance due to my collapsing dilapidated roof, and my mystery ghost dog that wanders the premises and haunts the neighbors.

Okay, Ryan isn't being funny anymore so I call and speak with his supervisor. Weird, they are such pranksters at Nationwide because his supervisor bears the same mental semblance as Ryan. I list off the slew of problems I have had, the supervisor feigns interest and shock, and then says they will talk to the underwriter about us making the minor repairs that really don't need to quite be done on our roof just yet in the spring. They are from Iowa, but they must think we are from Antarctica over here, because they say they cannot wait until spring because our winters are so cold and horrifically cruel. Um...has anyone else been able to compare a Midwest winter to ours around here.

Yeah. Also supervisor informs me that even if they inspector said the roof has a good four years on it, Nationwide will not consider that, it has to be five years. "Awesome" I tell him. So great that they were willing to approve and put through insurance from me, only to pull it out saying they would have never considered in the first place. "How does this make sense?" I ask Ryan's dad...er supervisor. "The only thing that would make this make sense is if the person that insured me was totally incompetent, and that actually does make sense because that is the only thing that has happened that far that has been a consistent pattern." Supervisor fumbles saying that maybe there is a tiny possibility that Ryan missed that when processing the paperwork. Ryan and the underwriter that has to approve that right????

Oh man after hanging up the phone on the supervisor and a few curse words later, I bet Ryan gets at least 5% docked off of his QA score that they give him at work when they make sure employees are doing their jobs right! I bet he has to stay at work an extra ten minutes to talk to his boss about that too!
But just in case not, I decided to shoot Ryan a little email to thank him for all his help. Here you go!

Oh here is his email address too: biggr@nationwide.com



Ryan,

Just a quick note to thank you. For if they were to give out awards for incompetence in employees and for their lack of caring about other human beings, and for being completely incapable of doing their job in a studious manner, you would be the shining beacon of light that encompasses all of the above. For starters, you never stayed in contact with my financing person so that we could close on my house in an orderly and quick fashion, you managed to lose my inspection report twice, and to top it off you went above and beyond my expectations by insuring me with homeowners insurance when it was brought to my attention yesterday that Nationwide will not even consider insuring anyone with a roof that has four years left on it.

I do appreciate the phone call that you did not make to me to let me be aware of this as well. That was great. You must have known it was my birthday yesterday, because oh my God, that was exactly what I wanted for my 30th birthday. It was so good to come home after a long day of work, get ready for school after approximately five hours of sleep, and then to find an insurance cancellation notice in my mailbox. You must have read my mind on things that I wanted for my birthday. Scrambling to get insured again, not doing schoolwork, and missing dinner, that was definitely on the list. You are too kind. Really, thank you for keeping it a surprise, and not calling me up to inform me that this was coming, I don't know how you managed to keep that one under your hat.

Apparently now every dog, child, piece of trash that happens to wander in my yard now becomes my property as well. That is good to know. It seems as though I will not have to pay for things as much as I used to have to since according to Nationwide, once something touches my yard, it belongs to me. If I need a new car? I will be sure to push one onto my lawn, according to Nationwide law, it's mine! New dog? Let one wander onto my property, Nationwide says it's mine!

I would also like to give my most deepest and heartfelt thanks to the fact that even though I have been with this company for 12 years, you guys seemingly don't seem to bat an eye in considering helping out your customers when it comes to situations such as these. But then again, why would a big company care about someone who has measly old car insurance with them. I am sure you don't care either, you care about punching in and going home at night. Not actually how the fact that you don't know how to read an inspection report and compare it with your actual company policy when insuring someone can have an effect on them.

But in the end, Ryan, you have taught me one thing. Oh wait, you have taught me nothing. This situation is banal and predictable. Big company screws little people, employee doesn't care.

After all you have not done for me, I feel like I really should do something in return though. At the advice of my attorney, I will be filing a complaint on Nationwide for the fact that you insured me and then yanked it out from under us under the premise that your supervisor told me that maybe you just managed to miss the little part where it says that Nationwide does not insure people with four years left on their roof. I figure since you guys have done so little, it was the least I could do for you.

Have a great day Ryan, you are the anti-best.

Dominique

House of Pain

One day I was in my apartment flipping through the latest issue of Better Homes & Gardens when it occurred to me that did not have a home nor did I have a garden. I had a steaming hot bedroom in the summer time no matter how high the air conditioning was on, and I had a small patch of grass outside that contained all my stray cigarette butts. This then moved me over to the train of thought that perhaps it was time to put on my grown up pants and purchase a house. Now I know this is not an easy process, and when I attempt to do something I take hard and times it by three because generally there is that the Dominique factor that plays into everything that God has put into place in order to drive me stark raving mad.

The best part in mission destroy my self-esteem is the initial part. Finding out how shitty your credit is, trying to explain to everyone that you are a good person now, and then having to talk to debtors that are probably the most vile of human beings on the planet in order to negotiate out a deal to make all good with the credit history dictators. Once that is all over and done with, you still have shitty credit, and you go through the re-talking everyone that you are good enough to own a house process and you promise that you do enjoy having a place to live and would do anything to get said place.

I remember at one point, I was pretty frustrated during this process and I lamented to my dad “You know how come all the people that are on COPS have houses? How the hell did they get a house, I see the cops busting into them all the time, wading through their possessions and catching them in the act of hitting their wife, crack pipe on the floor, yet it is taking me months to get approved?” Well, finally, an approval went through.

Now that above part is starting to sound like the easy part. I don't know if I am a weird shit magnet or what, but I can tell you if my life is a Choose Your Own Adventure book, I want to smack the 12 year old on the head that is reading it and to pick a new one for me!

Why do people put houses up on the market? To sell them correct? then why have I walked into countless amounts of dog piss smelling filthy houses that haven't been cleaned since they were built? My favorite is when the tenant that is renting is not notified that we are coming too. The first time this happened, a very hungover, very unhappy college kid answered the door and told us his roomates were sleeping so we couldn't look in some of the rooms. He then proceeded outside to scream at his landlord. That was comfortable! The second time, some guy came wandering out in his underwear looking sleepy and confused, but at least he was that kind of hungover that is sweet and told us to look everywhere. Still weird creeping around that though, I feel like a burgler! The third time, the poor people didn't speak English and we had them so confused. They had a cute dog I wanted to steal. One house I went into, the guy was cooking breakfast for himself and all 12 of his kids. I was tempted to ask if I could have some.

The next factor in fun is the craaaazy neighbor. Okay, I am kind of grateful about one thing on the crazy neighbor. They are pretty much the same. Hunched over like Golem on the back porch, smoking a cigarette, always having that twitchy look to them like they can't go five minutes without being in anybody's business. This one was no exception. He dove right into how he was keeping his stuff in the vacant house's garage because someone was trying to break into his car and he watches over the property. He then ended it up with "We sure throw a lot of parties around here, they can get out of control so I hope you don't mind." That had me walking out on a house that I was on the fence on to 1000% no way in hell. See why the crazy neighbor always being out back is a good thing? What if he were hiding and then I moved into that. I can't hack anymore crazy neighbors, not after the last batch I went through.

One place we found was nice, but I just couldn't get a feel for the neighborhood, and of course, go figure, the one people next to us had the trashed out house right? That and an unleashed pitbull that was not fenced wandering around. I am terrified of dogs. On second visit to the house it ran up to me to see if it could give me a heart attack and then happily started to lick my toes. I did that nervous giggle, I was happy it was nice, but I could picture it envisioning my toes as hotdogs. I have a chihuahua too, and I don't want him to be another animal's Dorito, so I had to bail on that house. The next one, I was all about, except for the fact that I have no depth perception whatsoever and had to have two people tell me that it was severely crooked. I totally thought you could just easily jack a house up too, I am such an optimist for the wrong things, but it turns out it is a risky procedure.

So at this point, I am about 6 months into looking, and I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me, if there is nothing good on the market, if I need to learn the ways of Home Depot so I can turn partial poo into diamonds, or if, well God hates me. I am probably going to have to go with the God hates me part at this point, sweat away the pounds in my upstairs apartment room, and remember that I am actually agnostic so I will have to change that to the maybe someone might hate me if they exist above me. Until then, I have 12 more houses I am scheduled to look at soon and adventures ahoy hoy!

Wearing A Nicotine Patch Sippin' On Expensive Beer

I totally got to see Snoop at Blazed & Confused.
It was totally awesome.
Totally read about it here.
Totally is the only word I know about now.

I still don't know how to make the link clickable so get some exercise by copying and pasting in your browser for golly's sakes!


http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=1791

Michael Dean Damron

First review with Slug!

Read it and weep with joy.

http://www.slugmag.com/article.php?id=1785

Work It On OUt

I had this brilliant idea that wearing exercise gear all day instead of getting dressed would make me motivated to actually exercise. Now I just look like I should be frequenting Wal-Mart. I am pretty sure my clothing is going to get in a fight. There is something about brands that label their clothing with animals that appeals to me. So if the fox on my jacket and the puma on my shorts can’t work things out that’s their problem. This is some sort of sick addiction that happens once you stop getting dressed, as though there is nothing quite like living in a pair of sweatpants and going out to get the mail at 4:30 p.m. only to give off the illusion that I had just woken up even though I have been working all day.

I keep going to the grocery store all slob like too, never learning my lesson that every time I go there, I run into at least fifty people I know. I just want to explain to everyone that I clean up pretty well, but I don’t want to call attention to the fact that yes, I look like shit. Plus if you dressed up to go to the grocery store? Come on now, I have seen the goth girl that goes there in her stilettos, white painted face, purple and black hairsprayed helmet head put into place perfectly. All to get a snack? No thanks.
The fact of the matter is, I did start getting into the whole exercise thing again this year, but my body is not into it. I did turn into a little sweaty pig who is left a panting pile of jelly after just 30 mere minutes of intense workout, but then my stomach starts to growl and before I know it, I have downed a bag of something or another. I even got a gym membership. I used it a few times. But I am hopelessly addicted to Netflix Instant watch workouts and On Demand workouts on cable.

I tried a few embarrassing ones. Sometimes I am just strapped for time on lunch and in a panic I hit the first thing I come across like Flirty Girl Fitness. Oh. My. God. I am so glad I don’t have a stalker. If they peered into my window while I did that workout, they would have posted a note to my door that said something like “I’m sorry, I used to find you very enigmatic until I saw you putting your fingers into your imaginary belt buckles and whipping your hair around in an attempt to burn calories. You just made me feel sane, and I am going to retreat back to my life and never stalk again.” I even tried the Playboy Bunny workouts. No, not sleep with Hugh Hefner and milk him for all he is worth while pretending to be attracted to a mummy for a few years, though I am sure the effort of that alone would make any girl thin. I would have to say topping the charts of stupidity for fitness On Demand was the Carmen Electra workout which required YOU TO BE ON YOUR BED WHILE YOU DID IT. I made it two minutes into it and disgracefully walked to my sink in an attempt to drown myself in shame.

I think since we live in a world saturated with every possible element of any way to make money, that I have forgotten my friend good ol’ running. Sure I may flop my hands around all stupid like while I am doing it and shriek like a wounded animal, but at least it looks tougher than the how to get the body of a slut workouts that are all over the place nowadays. So maybe it is just time for good ol’ back to basics training. Conor and I had the idea to chug beer while running, or to eat a full bag of Doritos right before a workout, that way we would never want to eat or drink these things again. I think that is going to be my workout video that I market. It will be called Vomitcise.

Oops I Did It For The First Time

I was staring longing at my calendar, April 14th only a day away. See some sick, secret part of me wanted to see Britney Spears in concert, but I knew I hadn't the funds to see this. At this exact moment I received a phone call from the illustrious Peter, informing me that he had just scored four Britney tickets and they were mine all mine! And my friends too of course. I squealed with joy. I had been following my Britney concert moments starting with her exclaiming "My pussy is hanging out!" on stage and also her getting booed away in Canada. She claims she smelled marijuana smoke and so it was not safe for her and her dancers to be out there. I don't know what she would do if she smelled coke or Valium but ok!

I have heard a lot off of her new album "Circus" and just barely figured out why parents were horrified when they heard their children walking around singing "If U Seek Amy" I actually felt like an ignorant parent actually when my oh....OH! Kicked in. We surprised our sweet little Ashlee telling her that we had a present for her and when Trax dropped us off at the Energy Solutions Arena, her realization kicked in as to where we were going. Within five seconds of being there I was hit up for a cigarette by a homeless man and a girl with glitter eyelashes and a bright blue halter top. I was more frightened of the girl. I have an Ed Hardy lighter, it was purchased for me as a JOKE so when people kept asking to borrow it, I felt defensive like I should tell them I don't really like Ed Hardy. That was, until I saw 90% of the population wearing Ed Hardy gear in there. What was this an audition for Rock of Love?

As usual, we were late, that's what we do, so we missed the Pussycat Dolls opening up. I walked in questioning as to whether or not there was at least beer when I saw a man who looked like he did not belong there gripping his beer for dear life. I said "Look he has one!" his eyebrows raised as though he needed it and I said "He needs one!" he nodded his head up and down slowly in agreement without speaking a word. We later realized why he was at the show when he was surrounded by a heard of large breasted blonde girls all hugging onto him.

I got my overpriced reason to pee ($6.75! PLUS A $1 tip) and was scared that I was missing the concert, for people had started stampeding inside as though they were running terrified from a T-Rex on Jurassic Park. Not wanting to miss the action we quickly ran around looking for our seats. It was the usual hyping up they do for about 30 minutes and all. Look I appreciate Britney being able to help out the carnies in this tough economy but we wanted her to come on stage and show us her crazy ass.

Finally, an elaborate introduction started up on a big screen that was housed on a circus looking stage and it was a very eerie Perez Hilton dressed up like a Ringmaster giving the introduction super-pepped up and grainy looking. I just thanked the lord I didn't take mushrooms for this show. Brit came out with "Circus" and I will have to admit, she did get that banging body back (no thanks to a court order I am sure) and the production was ridiculously elaborate. I mean it was full on acrobatics, midgets, flexible and talented dancers and lots of lip-syncing. Ok maybe her pussy wasn't hanging out (she said it not me) but her boob did fall out at one point. If she exclaimed it, the mic man was smart enough to have it off this time.

In between clothing changes people would come out and do some more acts, and seriously at one point, I wanted to cover a poor child's eyes when this film came on that had Britney, masked men, and all of the making of an Eyes Wide Shut film while "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These" bellowed out by Marilyn Manson. Seriously if the 8 year old in front of me ends up being a fetishist serial killer when he gets older, I can pinpoint the exact moment that it happened. She sang her old hits "Look at Me" all the kids got up and sang to "If U Seek Amy" as well. Oh I bet that boy in front of me had lots of questions for him mom when he got home, I mean I saw a lot of orgasmic dancing and even couch humping going on. I thought this only happened in my living room while I was drunk.

I stepped out for a smoke and met a boy asking if I had seen the Youtube footage of all her concerts as many times as he had. He was pumped. He was outside because he knew the order the concert was going to be in and Britney was his favorite. I say this with utmost sincerity, there is nothing more that makes me happy in this world than a man in love with Britney Spears.

Pre-encore Britney sang "Hit Me Baby One More Time" but the innocence of her first hit was definitely lost at this point, weird huh? Not wanting to get caught up in the crowd, we left right as she was singing the highly anticipated "Womanizer" Hey this concert was right up my curiosity alley, but at some point I started getting all Mother Teresa and could not stop thinking of the children there! It was still awesome though.

Vehicular Suicide

Ah yes, we have all heard of vehicular homicide. But have any of you stopped to think about vehicular suicide?

Many a time I have scoffed and psshawed when people don't own a car. But how do you get out to West Valley to check out the Ross on that side of town when you don't have a car? I am scared of riding a bike too, something about the horror of some SUV'd out mother texting her kid on her cell phone not paying attention to me until I hit the hood of her car freaks me out. Plus, I honestly don't know if I have bike legs anymore, I haven't ridden one in so freaking long. So I do envy you careless lean legged bikers, and your need to not fill up at the gas station.

I should own up to the fact now that I did not have a license until I was 18. My parents wouldn't sign off on it until my grades were good enough, hence me having to be an adult and doing it my damn self. For the record, my grades are plenty fine now. But I don't get pizza dinners and a license out of it, just more debt.

I have never paid off a car save for one time when my friend sold me the Chevy Celebrity for about $200.00. That beauty had a passenger side door that would not open and every time I wanted to start it, I had to pop the hood and jiggle the battery. One day the battery died. I pushed it onto the street and placed a cardboard sign on it that said "For Sale $50" attached with my phone number. A nice Hispanic gentleman showed up with his mechanic and they took it off my hands. I used the money to buy a plane ticket to Iowa. This was pre-911 pre-recession and plane tickets were dirt cheap.

The next vehicle I purchased was brand spanking new. It was a Ford Escort in a pure virgin white color. I actually did not want a white car, but I am a car salesman's wet dream. Put me on the lot and chances are I will walk with what you show me first, I don't have the patience to dilly dally around. My mom even tried to get me go to back for a new color but I stuck to my guns. That car was not but a year old when the whole transmission went out.

I brought it to the dealership and they told me that it would be $500 to get it up and running again and that it could be another $1000 to fully fix it. I said "Really, I have $500 now can we trade this bitch in and I can use that $500 for a down payment?" They happily and greedily obliged. Thus started my transition to not paying off cars due to transmissions.

True to my word, I bought the first car I test drove, a secret that I had been keeping to myself for oh so long. Something I pined for at night before I would lay my head on my pillow. A red Ford Mustang. The second my foot fell onto the gas pedal I didn't care about the cost of the car, I left with it and with a big sports car smile on my face.

The Mustang was great! I drove it everywhere. Then one day it rained. And my car started skidding wildly left and right. And this foreign term was spouted to me: rear wheel drive? What? Hence began the journey of terror that was winter. I reached a period where I couldn't even move the car from small snow banks and every day I would pray to God to not let me die due to the fact that my chic little car had a bounty on my head. Years did go by of me owning this car, loving it in the summer, loathing it any time the ground got wet or the winter.

Then out of nowhere, parked on the street some jerk hit and ran it. Messed up that rear wheel drive. I put hundreds into fixing it, but alas no matter what it would shake like a seizure every time I hit the brakes. I was not giving up on my little dream yet, I kept trying to get it fixed. Until one night, about two weeks later I was backing up and did not realize my friend's door was not shut and tore about 75% of the door off. Ugh.

That car got left for dead at the dealership and I got my Nissan Sentra ie "The series of unfortunate tire events car" It never really gave my too much grief until I got four flats in the span of a year. This car is now starting to become the Damien of cars. I am noticing that every time I have money, my car puts a sensor on that and something happens to it that is super expensive to fix. I had to spend $600 on brake problems last year.

I have been really good at saving my money this year and planned on taking a little trip to reward myself. Until Damien, let's call it Domien, it least that has my name in it, started to squeal like a stuck pig every time I turned it on. I took it to the car fixing guy place (oh by the way this is about a month after the full bumper ripped off due to an unfortunate contact meeting with a mailbox) and the mechanic said the thingamajig was leaking onto the whatseywhosit and that it should not cost too much to repair.

He must have thought I was wearing diamonds on my neck because when he gave me the quote my heart palpitated and I smiled hard. $350. About the amount my vacation I WAS GOING TO TAKE would have cost me. Well, I have no choice now but to fix it. And while I was angering over this on my freeway ride to my mom's house to pick up her mini-van to borrow for the week the inevitable happened. Something that has never happened in all 11 years of driving my cars. A rock hit my windshield and chipped it.

My cars hate me and want to commit suicide.

MC Hammered and Vanilla Iceless

So the question is, how did I wake up with skinned knees, pounding head, a vague recollection of last night’s incessant laughter still ringing through my ears, a bag of Baconators being ordered from Wendy’s and only photos to remind me what had happened? Well, I will give you the recipe, but I don’t suggest you cook it. It is a night in Orem, built up anticipation followed by complete boredom, a bottle of Jameson, and the right kind of friend with you to participate in aforementioned things. The moon had aligned perfectly with the stars for this kind of night.

See, I was always that kid who was about three years behind on trends. Living in Iowa,that set me back to at least six years behind. I never did get the Girbauds while they were hot of the jeans press or the slap bracelets that threatened to come out of their protective casing and cut your wrist until they were settled into the DI. For that reason, I never went to concerts or watched Beverly Hills 90210 when it first came out. I knew and loved MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice, and true to form, twenty years after the fact I was ready to see them in concert.

The mere idea that they were coming to Orem Utah on February 27th and only Orem Utah alone, no other tours, just this, blew my mind. Since I don’t get out of the house much, I had actually never been to Orem and had to prepare for this trip. This concert in my mind was going to be epically epic. Well before we made that drive Conor and I sat in the liquor store debating which kind of whiskey could be downed wihtout choking hazards.

We then made the one hour drive up there and arrived shortly before 8:00. I feared we were actually going to be late since the bill stated that the show started at 8:00. As I sat in the parking lot I started to fill a Coke bottle with Jameson. Then Conor and I were faced with the task of how we were to fill the flask. See they have these tiny holes and no funnel! Easy, the funnel was made out of the directions to get there.

We finished our Coke and exited the vehicle. I was greeted by a massive sea of people standing in a massive sea of lines all excited to get inside. Some were dressed up straight out of the 80’s, hardcore fans had steps shaved in their heads, and others appeared to be the curious onlookers of the night.

Just a few sips of liquid courage later, you know to get me warmed up while I waited in the cold, and I was ready to go inside and nail this concert. Well, the line proved to be longer and colder than anticipated. I sent Conor back to the car to retrieve the other Coke bottle. We were destined to smell like hobos for the night. He came back and warned me this was a strong batch, he also called out my manliness so I had to drink right along with him as he had left about 1/100 Coke and the rest whiskey in this one.

So a few sips became a few gulp, guzzles, pounds.



We finally found our way inside and explored the many tunnels of the McKay Events center. Hoards of people were gathered around waiting for the show to start, and it was set up much like a Junior High pep rally with dancers on stage and our favorite hits from back in the day blasting through the speakers.

We found the press room where we were excited to meet our men of the 80's, and I decided to pose by the beautiful backrop that was glistening with washed up success reunited for just one night



I wandered upstairs and was beckoned by some men with a Playstation video game console up and running. “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly, I haven’t played video games since the first Nintendo came out.” They convinced me to do so though and I picked your typical character for a girl, Wonderwoman, and proceeded to kick my video game loving friend’s ass. I was just that perfect amount of buzzed, you know the kind where you can bowl a great score? Oh I got a free t-shirt out of the deal, and that to me was as good as gold. I danced around a lot and said things like "SUCK IT!"

So then it sounded like something big was about to happen since it was about 9:30 and we ran downstairs to see if our Hammer or Ice was coming out. After a few minutes of just more amping up the crowd happened, and more opening acts, and more breakdancers, we confirmed it was not happening yet and went wandering (drinking) some more. This is where you are about to have that second game of bowling and you suck because you drank a lot more because that is supposed to make you double awesome.



In the process of going outside to have a cigarette, I put my coveted shirt in the door to keep it open. Security snaked up behind me and snatched it out the door and ran off with it! Luckily for cell phones Conor came and got me back in and we told my tearful story to the Playstation men who happily supplied me with another t-shirt. 10:30 rolls around. We have been here for hours, and no sign of the main acts. More people dancing around, Vanilla Ice’s dancers went up to Conor and asked when he was going to go on. He lied and said next. I think it was more wishful thinking than lying. Even Vanilla’s dancers didn’t know when the actual show was starting!

Yet more wandering commenced which led us into the media room. Alone. With a copy machine. Bored. Things that shouldn’t get copied got copied. There is still a photo copy of my boobs sitting in Conor's car. I kept giggling and saying the 3-year-old phrase "Don't look don't look!!"





Finally, all the excitement, buildup, happiness about this whole event started to wane down. I had about as much fun as one can have in a media room and Conor even had to stop me from tearing down the tapestry to take home (with a lighter) and instead we decided on a chain that weighed about 150 pounds. I was also in dire need of water. This much need.




We had been in Orem for hours upon hours, we were out of things to do, and quite honestly I am surprised the gigantic crowd outside wasn’t rioting. We remained patient and loyal for as long as we could, and even adult beverages make me more patient that Mother Theresa. So the executive decision was made after over four hours of waiting for the hype to stop and the actual event to happen.

Sometimes awesome things are better kept a mystery, and the buildup in your head is far better than the actual event that unfolds before you. This decision was made as we walked out those doors and missed our epically epic event. Though somehow, it still turned out to be one of the best concerts I had even been to this year.

Afterwards some Iranian men bought me some much not needed shots which pretty much put me over the edge. I think I convinced myself that I was a hobbit and that this endearing fella was Gandolf the Gray because I wanted my picture with him and was dumbfounded that I was so short in comparison with his tallness. I don't remember this photo being taken.

Along the way BACONATORS! was screamed. Conor thought it was a good idea too. I don't remember that either. Nor do I remember falling flat on the floor the second me feet walked inside, but there is proof in photos of course.

A Date With The Ups

I have no particular subject to talk about so this will just be a randomized list of successes, failures, and okay, nothing really in particular.

1. I am taking three classes this semester and they suck so much harder than taking two classes. Right now as I am writing this, all I can think about is how much homework I have to do and how I should be doing that and not this. I wish I were graduated now but I still have a good year or so to go but it will be worth it if I can just get my ass in gear. Currently: Ass not in gear.

2. I don't know what happened but over the last few months I have abandoned all hope ye bras who try to enter my shirt. It started out innocently enough, I would not wear bras in the summer because I figured that nobody would notice anyway due to my lack of boobage, but then it continued on from there. They feel like tight boa constrictors trying to suffocate my boobs to death. Out of nowhere I will be at the bar and realize that whoops I forgot to add some padding and underwire to my chestal region. I keep trying to tell myself I am not a hippie and that this better be socially acceptable. We'll see.

3. I went to MC Hammered and Vanilla Iceless (thanks Andrea) last weekend and I think that I am scared of whiskey. It is a bully that threatens to make me look stupid in front of others and do things that I don't remember. There will be a story and you have seen the pictures.

4. Out of nowhere, tired, sick and in pain, I decided to rearrange my room today. I threw my back out (how!??!?!?) and almost started crying when my dvd rack melted and I was sitting atop a pile of dvds, clothing and dresser drawers. This now results in me needing to purchase multiple items at Ikea this weekend. Something tells me that my subconscious forced me to rearrange my room so said events would happen so that I could buy new shit. I love buying new shit.

5. I am going to tour the Draper Temple with my mom on Friday. So if you don't see me after Friday it is because I was struck by lightning.

Gettin' A Chubby

Yes, it is that time of the year where I start complaining about my expanding waistline. At least I have a different pitch each time I do it right? I make excuses like it is winter and I am one of those bears that is not allowed to hibernate. So I keep stocking up on food to hope it lasts me, but I don’t really fall asleep. I had some knee issues, so I was told to stay off of it. Well, goodbye cardio.

Let’s just get this part out of the way. God hates me in the fact that I cannot maintain a small figure unless I do intense cardio and diet. I can’t just do one or the other or the pounds just melt onto me. And they go into the most ridiculous places! I for one would not mind if I got huge knockers out of the deal. But those stay tiny, my gut expands, my hips join in the parade and my already round butt gets rounder. What do my legs do? Oh they do the most attractive thing possible, they stay skinny. So here I am with beer gut and bird legs.

For all you natural skinny people out there? I don’t hate you. I don’t, as a matter of fact while you wolf down a Big Mac with me and the most you have to do is go home and take a nap to burn off those calories while I madly make a dash for the treadmill, I envy you. I envy the living hell out of you. I will never say “You’re tooooo skinnnny!” Or “I hate that you can eat so much and stay that way!” I will sit there and look at you with green green skin.

So when I said farewell to cardio I convinced myself that I could get my ohm on along with some pilates and still maintain a hot figure. I was convinced at first. It was a slow weight loss, but I think for a minute I started to just appreciate the relaxation of it and not really worry about what my body looked like. It literally worked. I was gut struttin’ around thinking that if I was doing these things I could manage my self-esteem in the process. It only worked for a minute though as I caught a flash of belly and butt poking out in all directions.

My biggest issue is the love of food. I love all food. I love candy, burger, the guacamole chips and salsa I know I should not be eating at 11:00 at night, ice cream, french fries, soda, nachos and cookies. I know I could enjoy these things in moderation and I have done it before in my life, but something is just not clicking right now. I want them all and I want them all in my face right now. I do great during the day with food and night hits and I want so bad it’s driving me mad.

I am tweaking a few rules this year though. No fat pants. I threw them all out, and I refuse to buy another pair, I just need to lose a few pounds and then I can fit back in the other pairs I own. Hm, that could be why I have been living in my sweats for the past two days. That or I am just supremely lazy.
Summer is coming up soon though and I will fall back into my health cycle where I just want to run around everywhere I can and eat fruit and more fruit, and go to the Farmers Market and lecture you about all the naughty things you are putting in your mouth.

Until then, feel free to squeeze my chipmunk cheeks when you see me, you may find some nuts hiding in there.

But There Aren't!

I keep getting this quote thrown in my direction:

"Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelanglo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."
~H. Jackson Brown

But the pessimistic jerky side of me kicks in when I read it. I try to picture Albert Einstein having a couple of jobs, doing laundry, putting aside time to exercise, eating correctly, driving around to run errands, sitting down paying his bills, going to school full-time, maintaining a clean house, doing loads of homework, grocery shopping, and somehow it just doesn't fit into my little time puzzle sometimes.

Hasn't technology given us a bit more responsibility? I am sure that because of all of the above people we can thank them for advancing technology and putting us where we are today, so that is one thing, but in turn that has made us busier people who are starting to lose more hours in our days. Sure Mother Teresa didn't have to slam down Red Bulls in order to scurry around and finish her tasks, but I am just saying when you are just so obviously focused on one thing and one task and don't have million distractions keeping you from being brilliant, you know like putting gas in your car, you do have more time to sit around and be a genius.

For those of you who are able to keep busier than myself and still be able to go above and beyond I give you major props. I know there are people out there that have a much more hectic schedule to myself and I commend your energy, but for me, I think I could handle some time off so I can figure out the mathmatical formula to inserting about two extra hours into a day.

TGIT'R Dun

Ok TGIT is because Thursday is literally my Friday. I hate saying that because it sounds so officey but I love saying it because it means I don't have to work on Friday, R Dun, had to do with a special day at the office, as when I go in there about once every few months for reasons unknown Conor and I try to come up with as many dragon jokes as possible and they all contain the world lair in them.

What is a Redneck Dragon's Favorite TV Show?
A: Lairy The Cable Guy

What is a dragon's favorite kind of horror flick to watch?
A: Lairy Movie 1,2 & 3.

Where do female dragons gather once a year in flannel?
A: Lilith Lair

What did the female dragon say when she showed up to work with a black eye?
A: She fell down the lairs.

And this list literally goes on enough to fill up a book.

I literally have no idea who else could thing this is as funny as we do save some others that probably know what it is like being in an office all day staring at a huge cartoon dragon on the wall, which I do twice a month.

Today was no exception of specialness. I normally get no work done, desk moves were happening meaning that I had tons of pointless conversation and noise going on behind me, and I always happen to catch a very harrowing tale of some sort, usually by the smoke shack outside.

As I went out for my cigarette about four girls were standing there discussing something to do with a landlord. I missed the beginning of the story but one of them said that it was utter bullshit.

The one that had the landlord said "I know! I can't move again though, I just uprooted my son and I can't do this again! What was I supposed to do? I was just nervous so I just brushed it off and laughed!"

Girl 2: "What you should have done is said "Listen motherfucker you fucking do that fucking shit again and I will rip your fucking dick off with my bare hands you piece of shit"

Yowza, my ears.

Girl 3: "You should file a police report"

Harrassed Girl: "I can't just go file a police report, I have filed three in the past three months what if they think I am some crazy girl filing police reports left and right and they don't believe me? Besides, I am afraid if I report him he will kill me so I won't talk!"

Woman: "While most people aren't serial killers in this situation you may want to watch out just in case.

Girl 3: "You know statistics show that most rapists don't even use a weapon though! Their intent is not to harm you"

Yes she literally said that. I suppose if you are being raped a penis is not a weapon, but I digress.

As Harassed Girl was telling her story and obviously very distressed, she did do one thing that had me at......

"Oh my God cute hair!" she said to me and smiled.

And then they went back to their conversation.

Billy May I

Today while I was being so productive at work that I could barely think, my Billy Mays replacement Vince came on television pimping out his Shamwow, you know the uber absorbent towel that could clean up all that blood from stabbing someone repeatedly. You can wash and reuse too! This man is totally ridiculous and he even wears a headset while doing a commercial on televison. Bets have been that it is either totally a prop or he really wears it all day and takes Shamwow orders even while showering.

This is Vince, you really need to see this to get the full picture:





I haven't heard from Billy Mays in a while and I wonder what he has been up to. I miss him yelling at me from the television set, and I'll be damned if I didn't buy Kaboom after he advertised it. I am a chronic infomercial junkie by the way. I get this special high watching all of these wonderous products promising to make my infinitely difficult life much more simple. Ten minute workouts, cleaning products, and makeup top the list of ones that I will stare at the television watching, waiting, biting my nails in anticipation.

I love how they take their sweet time telling me all of the things that these items will do, watching the excited faces on people who are not paid actors endorse it, but that is not the part that baits me the most. It is the BUT WAIT.....part that kills me. What am I waiting for is what? Possibly them to knock off a payment? A free penlight? A double order if I purchase now? It gets me all tingly and excited to see what they are going to do for me.

This led to another one of my very normal Skype conversations that I have daily with Conor. I started to ponder whether or not these infomercial guys fight for parts in the infomercial the way that actual actors fight for a role.

I picture them sitting in a dirty waiting room, reading the script, nervously sizing up the competition. Calling their infomercial agent to tell them they didn't get the part because they totally flubbed their lines. Practicing at home on their own products that they have lying around, turning to the cat to ask if it sounded ok.

Here is the most proof I can find that there is that competition out there.



Who writes the scripts for infomercials too? Can I aspire to do that one day? Could I be an excited extra on one? Why don't I know anything about this unchartered television territory?


Whenever I start to miss Billy though, I watch the below video and it makes me wish that he would make an Billy Mays alarm clock to soothe me awake each morning

Mo' Music

Go check out all of our little besty blurbs that we worked hard on for Musicstravaganza that is going on right now! DO IT.

http://cityweekly.net/index.cfm?do=article.details&id=663A6575-14D1-1357-9CD16FBBD68E5BAD&page=3

To Not Pinch & To Grow An Inch

It is amazing when you go to the doctor what useful information you can take home with you for the mere price of a $15.00 co-pay. That is less than a psychic, and the information they give you is almost as reliable.

I almost with I could go to my doctor once a week, what with my hypochondria and all, and have them give me all sorts of new information about my body.

For instance, in the throes of a major head/jawache, I started to rub my jaw. While rummaging around down there, I found that one side felt funnier than the other. As in one side had a lumpity bump and the other did not.

Immediately and most logically it was either a blood clot that was going to shoot straight into my brain, or a tumor that would leave me with only one top of my jaw left. Once I managed to calm myself down, I figured my mother would be my further Valium in life, so I called her and casually mentioned it in passing like "Oh hey, I woke up today like I do every day."

She instead reignited the paranoia and told me that I must go to the doctor right away. I must have disobeyed her too much in my youth, because now I do every single thing my mom tells me to do without question. I must inherently be making up for all that rebellion by turning into a yes ma'am kind of girl.

Once I went in for my appointment, I was dreading getting on that scale. Winter has taken its cold dreary hold on me and fast food has been the way to go. I was pretty much convinced that the scale was going to tip over once I stepped on it, but the nurse rattled off a tolerable weight that only put me 4 lbs above what I was in the summer time. Sure it all when to my ass, hips, and new double chin, but I will take a four pound gain over a ten pound one.

She then went to measure my height and I'll be damned if I didn't think I was five feet four inches for about 13 years now. I am actually five feet five inches! It's like I have some new taller perspective to look forward to now. I shall now look down upon all of you five foot four inchers and rule the kingdom of giants from here on out!

Other than that, the doctor said something about swollen lymph node or cyst just chilling on my jaw and if it gets any bigger to come back. I figure I will show him when I come back and some sort of hair and teeth tumor has attached itself to the side of my face and I am faced with the challenge of coming up with a name for my new friend.

Provocative

I went to Provo on an adventure with Andrea. We came back wet, buzzed, and feeling old. In the process we did hear some awesome music!

Go read what we did and what everyone else has been doing during what I consider my Christmas, all my favorite bands packed into all the bars over the course of two nights, The City Weekly Music Awards!

http://cityweeklymusic.blogspot.com/?nav=CWMA%20BLOG

Take Two

Since the Myspace seems to be going down the toilet, I am going to start slowly shifting my pickled thoughts over to this site.

I am going to make a very concentrated effort to better figure out this menacing thing, as in the past I ended up confused, and, well, I don't like feeling confused. So here goes.....