Gettin' A Chubby

Yes, it is that time of the year where I start complaining about my expanding waistline. At least I have a different pitch each time I do it right? I make excuses like it is winter and I am one of those bears that is not allowed to hibernate. So I keep stocking up on food to hope it lasts me, but I don’t really fall asleep. I had some knee issues, so I was told to stay off of it. Well, goodbye cardio.

Let’s just get this part out of the way. God hates me in the fact that I cannot maintain a small figure unless I do intense cardio and diet. I can’t just do one or the other or the pounds just melt onto me. And they go into the most ridiculous places! I for one would not mind if I got huge knockers out of the deal. But those stay tiny, my gut expands, my hips join in the parade and my already round butt gets rounder. What do my legs do? Oh they do the most attractive thing possible, they stay skinny. So here I am with beer gut and bird legs.

For all you natural skinny people out there? I don’t hate you. I don’t, as a matter of fact while you wolf down a Big Mac with me and the most you have to do is go home and take a nap to burn off those calories while I madly make a dash for the treadmill, I envy you. I envy the living hell out of you. I will never say “You’re tooooo skinnnny!” Or “I hate that you can eat so much and stay that way!” I will sit there and look at you with green green skin.

So when I said farewell to cardio I convinced myself that I could get my ohm on along with some pilates and still maintain a hot figure. I was convinced at first. It was a slow weight loss, but I think for a minute I started to just appreciate the relaxation of it and not really worry about what my body looked like. It literally worked. I was gut struttin’ around thinking that if I was doing these things I could manage my self-esteem in the process. It only worked for a minute though as I caught a flash of belly and butt poking out in all directions.

My biggest issue is the love of food. I love all food. I love candy, burger, the guacamole chips and salsa I know I should not be eating at 11:00 at night, ice cream, french fries, soda, nachos and cookies. I know I could enjoy these things in moderation and I have done it before in my life, but something is just not clicking right now. I want them all and I want them all in my face right now. I do great during the day with food and night hits and I want so bad it’s driving me mad.

I am tweaking a few rules this year though. No fat pants. I threw them all out, and I refuse to buy another pair, I just need to lose a few pounds and then I can fit back in the other pairs I own. Hm, that could be why I have been living in my sweats for the past two days. That or I am just supremely lazy.
Summer is coming up soon though and I will fall back into my health cycle where I just want to run around everywhere I can and eat fruit and more fruit, and go to the Farmers Market and lecture you about all the naughty things you are putting in your mouth.

Until then, feel free to squeeze my chipmunk cheeks when you see me, you may find some nuts hiding in there.

But There Aren't!

I keep getting this quote thrown in my direction:

"Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelanglo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."
~H. Jackson Brown

But the pessimistic jerky side of me kicks in when I read it. I try to picture Albert Einstein having a couple of jobs, doing laundry, putting aside time to exercise, eating correctly, driving around to run errands, sitting down paying his bills, going to school full-time, maintaining a clean house, doing loads of homework, grocery shopping, and somehow it just doesn't fit into my little time puzzle sometimes.

Hasn't technology given us a bit more responsibility? I am sure that because of all of the above people we can thank them for advancing technology and putting us where we are today, so that is one thing, but in turn that has made us busier people who are starting to lose more hours in our days. Sure Mother Teresa didn't have to slam down Red Bulls in order to scurry around and finish her tasks, but I am just saying when you are just so obviously focused on one thing and one task and don't have million distractions keeping you from being brilliant, you know like putting gas in your car, you do have more time to sit around and be a genius.

For those of you who are able to keep busier than myself and still be able to go above and beyond I give you major props. I know there are people out there that have a much more hectic schedule to myself and I commend your energy, but for me, I think I could handle some time off so I can figure out the mathmatical formula to inserting about two extra hours into a day.

TGIT'R Dun

Ok TGIT is because Thursday is literally my Friday. I hate saying that because it sounds so officey but I love saying it because it means I don't have to work on Friday, R Dun, had to do with a special day at the office, as when I go in there about once every few months for reasons unknown Conor and I try to come up with as many dragon jokes as possible and they all contain the world lair in them.

What is a Redneck Dragon's Favorite TV Show?
A: Lairy The Cable Guy

What is a dragon's favorite kind of horror flick to watch?
A: Lairy Movie 1,2 & 3.

Where do female dragons gather once a year in flannel?
A: Lilith Lair

What did the female dragon say when she showed up to work with a black eye?
A: She fell down the lairs.

And this list literally goes on enough to fill up a book.

I literally have no idea who else could thing this is as funny as we do save some others that probably know what it is like being in an office all day staring at a huge cartoon dragon on the wall, which I do twice a month.

Today was no exception of specialness. I normally get no work done, desk moves were happening meaning that I had tons of pointless conversation and noise going on behind me, and I always happen to catch a very harrowing tale of some sort, usually by the smoke shack outside.

As I went out for my cigarette about four girls were standing there discussing something to do with a landlord. I missed the beginning of the story but one of them said that it was utter bullshit.

The one that had the landlord said "I know! I can't move again though, I just uprooted my son and I can't do this again! What was I supposed to do? I was just nervous so I just brushed it off and laughed!"

Girl 2: "What you should have done is said "Listen motherfucker you fucking do that fucking shit again and I will rip your fucking dick off with my bare hands you piece of shit"

Yowza, my ears.

Girl 3: "You should file a police report"

Harrassed Girl: "I can't just go file a police report, I have filed three in the past three months what if they think I am some crazy girl filing police reports left and right and they don't believe me? Besides, I am afraid if I report him he will kill me so I won't talk!"

Woman: "While most people aren't serial killers in this situation you may want to watch out just in case.

Girl 3: "You know statistics show that most rapists don't even use a weapon though! Their intent is not to harm you"

Yes she literally said that. I suppose if you are being raped a penis is not a weapon, but I digress.

As Harassed Girl was telling her story and obviously very distressed, she did do one thing that had me at......

"Oh my God cute hair!" she said to me and smiled.

And then they went back to their conversation.

Billy May I

Today while I was being so productive at work that I could barely think, my Billy Mays replacement Vince came on television pimping out his Shamwow, you know the uber absorbent towel that could clean up all that blood from stabbing someone repeatedly. You can wash and reuse too! This man is totally ridiculous and he even wears a headset while doing a commercial on televison. Bets have been that it is either totally a prop or he really wears it all day and takes Shamwow orders even while showering.

This is Vince, you really need to see this to get the full picture:





I haven't heard from Billy Mays in a while and I wonder what he has been up to. I miss him yelling at me from the television set, and I'll be damned if I didn't buy Kaboom after he advertised it. I am a chronic infomercial junkie by the way. I get this special high watching all of these wonderous products promising to make my infinitely difficult life much more simple. Ten minute workouts, cleaning products, and makeup top the list of ones that I will stare at the television watching, waiting, biting my nails in anticipation.

I love how they take their sweet time telling me all of the things that these items will do, watching the excited faces on people who are not paid actors endorse it, but that is not the part that baits me the most. It is the BUT WAIT.....part that kills me. What am I waiting for is what? Possibly them to knock off a payment? A free penlight? A double order if I purchase now? It gets me all tingly and excited to see what they are going to do for me.

This led to another one of my very normal Skype conversations that I have daily with Conor. I started to ponder whether or not these infomercial guys fight for parts in the infomercial the way that actual actors fight for a role.

I picture them sitting in a dirty waiting room, reading the script, nervously sizing up the competition. Calling their infomercial agent to tell them they didn't get the part because they totally flubbed their lines. Practicing at home on their own products that they have lying around, turning to the cat to ask if it sounded ok.

Here is the most proof I can find that there is that competition out there.



Who writes the scripts for infomercials too? Can I aspire to do that one day? Could I be an excited extra on one? Why don't I know anything about this unchartered television territory?


Whenever I start to miss Billy though, I watch the below video and it makes me wish that he would make an Billy Mays alarm clock to soothe me awake each morning

Mo' Music

Go check out all of our little besty blurbs that we worked hard on for Musicstravaganza that is going on right now! DO IT.

http://cityweekly.net/index.cfm?do=article.details&id=663A6575-14D1-1357-9CD16FBBD68E5BAD&page=3

To Not Pinch & To Grow An Inch

It is amazing when you go to the doctor what useful information you can take home with you for the mere price of a $15.00 co-pay. That is less than a psychic, and the information they give you is almost as reliable.

I almost with I could go to my doctor once a week, what with my hypochondria and all, and have them give me all sorts of new information about my body.

For instance, in the throes of a major head/jawache, I started to rub my jaw. While rummaging around down there, I found that one side felt funnier than the other. As in one side had a lumpity bump and the other did not.

Immediately and most logically it was either a blood clot that was going to shoot straight into my brain, or a tumor that would leave me with only one top of my jaw left. Once I managed to calm myself down, I figured my mother would be my further Valium in life, so I called her and casually mentioned it in passing like "Oh hey, I woke up today like I do every day."

She instead reignited the paranoia and told me that I must go to the doctor right away. I must have disobeyed her too much in my youth, because now I do every single thing my mom tells me to do without question. I must inherently be making up for all that rebellion by turning into a yes ma'am kind of girl.

Once I went in for my appointment, I was dreading getting on that scale. Winter has taken its cold dreary hold on me and fast food has been the way to go. I was pretty much convinced that the scale was going to tip over once I stepped on it, but the nurse rattled off a tolerable weight that only put me 4 lbs above what I was in the summer time. Sure it all when to my ass, hips, and new double chin, but I will take a four pound gain over a ten pound one.

She then went to measure my height and I'll be damned if I didn't think I was five feet four inches for about 13 years now. I am actually five feet five inches! It's like I have some new taller perspective to look forward to now. I shall now look down upon all of you five foot four inchers and rule the kingdom of giants from here on out!

Other than that, the doctor said something about swollen lymph node or cyst just chilling on my jaw and if it gets any bigger to come back. I figure I will show him when I come back and some sort of hair and teeth tumor has attached itself to the side of my face and I am faced with the challenge of coming up with a name for my new friend.

Provocative

I went to Provo on an adventure with Andrea. We came back wet, buzzed, and feeling old. In the process we did hear some awesome music!

Go read what we did and what everyone else has been doing during what I consider my Christmas, all my favorite bands packed into all the bars over the course of two nights, The City Weekly Music Awards!

http://cityweeklymusic.blogspot.com/?nav=CWMA%20BLOG

Take Two

Since the Myspace seems to be going down the toilet, I am going to start slowly shifting my pickled thoughts over to this site.

I am going to make a very concentrated effort to better figure out this menacing thing, as in the past I ended up confused, and, well, I don't like feeling confused. So here goes.....