Funstalgic

Well I haven't deleted my stupid Myspace account because I like being spammed. Okay, maybe it is because I have 330-some odd blogs just hanging out on there being all ignored by me and I have this whole journalistic teenage notion that I can't erase them lest I forget. The next probably 300-some odd blogs on this page are going to be just those so I can close my "I'm Tom and I am billionaire for running what is now all spam" site account.Plus I just don't blog anymore. I think school is stealing my thoughts. Here we go.


I'm Waiting To Be Impressed- July 20th 2005


First of all let me preface this the way somebody would before they get ready to tell a joke that is dead baby or racist:

I am not perfect in any way shape or form, these are merely opinions and things that I could probably stand to work on a little more every day in my life. I am not telling anyone what to do or how to act according to my novice observations.

I always was very paranoid what people thought about me. Scared that they wouldn't like me, that I would or that I did say something completely and utterly idiotic out of nervousness or social retardation. It was a deep panic I would feel when I would meet somebody, my heart would palpitate and I would stutter over my words and try to say all the right things and laugh at the right times. If these people that I wanted to impress would say things that were rude or judgmental, I would go along with it as well for fear that I would not be accepted. I also did it because I felt like I had no self worth unless I could think of people in terms of beneath me. In the back of my head I always knew a lot of these people that I would consider friends were saying the same things about me that we would talk about to smear other people's characters. The difference between me then and me now: I was ages 13-15 when I did all of this.

Not that I have ever quite gotten rid of my social anxiety or the need to feel accepted by everyone around me, but it is not a hunger or intense paranoia that I feel about it. Not everyone is going to like me. Same as I with people in general. It is human nature. Plain. Simple.

I am still now fascinated by the sociological interaction that human beings will have when they are all put together and decide to gang up on a person or people. A witch hunt or wolf mentality, I would say. I would like to say that I love and accept everyone and be sincere about it but a part of me will always have a love/hate relationship with humanity. I am not the type of person who will give into phony behavior and try to say the right things at the right times, try to run someone's name into the ground just because I merely dislike them. It is too much energy that gets wasted on hate when it could be used toward more productive tasks such as making someone else's life better. I know it is much easier to judge someone, to be petulant, to hate something all because you don't understand it than it is to take the time and effort out of your life to try and look at someone as an extension of yourself and not a thing that you are competing with to gain a false sense of gratification.

What have you done today to assist humanity? What can you do to assist humanity? Really it isn't that difficult of a concept to grasp. If you could do things effortlessly and selflessly for others and expect nothing in return. Learn not to be disappointed, or angry when someone "fucks you over" I think we as a hoi polloi could go along our days as much more self assured, happier, secure group.

I try to look at my intent behind wanting to or saying something about somebody behind their backs. Is it true? Would I say it to their face? Do I really mean or believe that? Am I just saying this to make myself look or feel better?

I have never wanted to be classified as a phony or someone that tries to dupe people into thinking I am something that I am not, which in turn, could make me an unlikable person or even come off as strange.

I am at the point in my life where I can take accountability for my actions. I could make an itemized list of every choice that I have made that has led me up where I am right now accounting for the very second that I am writing this. It is choice theory, and the way you choose to live, treat others and react to situations is all solely based on you. Not others.

So in an ideal world I want people to stop whining and boobing about how fucking miserable their life is because of what a person did to them or their shitty upbringing and take some accountability to realize you are who you are based on yourself. These are all things that have happened because you chose to react to them the way you did and you are accountable for your coping abilities in that should not be someone else's fault.

I used to blame a lot of my failures and discontent on other people. I was angry at my parents,friends,enemies,strangers who cut me off, someone who talked behind my back for a long time because I thought it was their fault I ended up the way I was. I have a lot to thank them for. They gave me the capacity to love, to read, write, be passionate about learning, empathy, grace, not being selfish. And it isn't because they looked at me and said "LOVE, READ WRITE, LEARN." It all is based on the way I look back situations in my life and think about what I learned off all that I considered a bad time or even a good time for that matter.

So in all this incoherent babbling, what I am really trying to say is I am waiting to be impressed. I am waiting to find people that aren't so fucking petty and fake in their daily life that they have to meddle in other people's affairs just to give themselves a temporary lift. I want to see grownups acting like grownups without being smug or pompous about it.

Don't get me wrong I have a small handful of people in my life and I love them so much for all their good qualities. These will be people whom I plan on keeping with me forever. As for those of you that don't enhance my life, or want to be nice to my face but turn around and whisper about something I did twenty years or minutes ago that bothered you, go fuck yourselves. You are merely illusions of human beings and I don't have time to waste my time on what I don't even consider real.



Today: August 16. 2010

As I read back on that, I think not much has changed. I am still socially awkward. I have to have at least three drinks in me before the thought of being in a public setting doesn't set me on edge. The comfort of talking to strangers is probably never something I will possess, yet when approached, I would like to think that I am open, honest, likable. I would like to think now though, that I may say or do things that I consider embarrassing, I have overcome being gripped with a paralysis of paranoia. I am able to shake it off and laugh now, and I love that. I do what I can to try and make this world a happier place. Even in my negativity, I try to make everything funny. That's how I cope with being a generally awkward human being, and it has gotten me by thus far.

You know what though, I have talked mad shit. I can't help it. I am fascinated by people and the things they say and do. When I make fun though, it is never out of malice. And now if I ever get busted I am willing to own up to it. Confrontation was never my forte, but now I have to say that it is. Sure I get shaky and trip over my words when I am getting yelled at. But it's a far cry from just running away like I used to. I have become a more genuinely forgiving person too. I think I am just too alzheimered out to stay mad at anyone or anything for longer than one day. Thank you goldfish brain, you are serving me well. I feel anymore lately, I don't have time for agonizing over what the world thinks about me, but there is still that tiny little piece of me that wants to be liked by everyone. Thanks nature, or nacha!