Wax On Wax Not Off

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


In this modern day of technological advancements and scientific marvels, I would figure there would be better methods for hair removal. I, for one, hate the whole process.

So why do you continue to torment yourself while doing it? You might say. Well, since I don't hug trees or participate in enough protests, it is just something that I feel more comfortable without on my body.

Over the years, I have experimented with several methods to no successful avail. Having sensitive skin, not a lot of things take to right to it without attacking.

I remember buying Nair, really excited about the fact that as my hair dissolved down to the roots that I would have shiny tan legs like those women who wore short shorts on the commercials. I ended up instead with a giant flesh eating rash on each of my legs, which then resulted in a lot of tears streaming down my face.

Razors. They are another shaving foe to contend with. The effect that you get from a razor doesn't last long enough at all. If I catch even the slightest cool of a breeze, hair starts prickling back out of my body. There is also no way to describe the feeling that you get when you are in the tub running a razor up your shin and out of nowhere a big chunk of flesh comes up with it. You stare down at your leg, which now resembles a potato that is being peeled. A very bloody, screaming potato.

Electrolysis is next. Since I work at a call center who gives me raises that are, say, twenty two cents a year, I cannot afford the luxury of this permanent hair removal. I suppose I could stop paying my rent for a few months, but I don't think my landlord cares whether or not I have hair on my body. So until the day my sugar daddy comes running up to me, insisting to pay for this, electrolysis is out of the question.

Finally, there is waxing. A great concept. Rips the hair out, you are baby smooth for a good six weeks or so. This is something you can pay someone to do, or you can go to a store, buy your own, and do it yourself. Well since I dread going to the doctor once a year to pull down my pants and spread my legs, it is pretty much out of the question that I am going to someone I don't know at all to rip hair out of my crotch region. So I buy my own wax.

It is never as perfect and easy as it seems though. Wax is so messy. You have to heat it and mix it up until it reaches the perfect consistency. One time, I went to pull it out of the microwave and two runny droplets fell onto my unsuspecting fingers. It was so hot that when I went to pull the wax off of my skin, the flesh came right off with it. Then I had to go the next few weeks explaining to everyone how this happened.

So, a week ago, I made my way to the beauty supply store and dropped twenty dollars on a wax kit. Yes, that is how much you have to pay to get everything for the most part. Don't forget razors, shaving gel, after shave lotion, all this crap that you have to buy for hair upkeep, of all things.

Usually with the wax I buy, you heat up, put it on your skin, wait for it to dry, yank, and it comes right off.

I pulled out my new kit to inspect what a potentially great new product I may have in my hands. I didn't notice this before but this was honey wax. You put it on your skin, take a cloth, push it down, and yank. This new stuff was also very very sticky.

I microwaved it, did a test strip on the back of my wrist to make sure it wasn't too hot. Satisfied that I wasn't going to burn the hell out of myself, I got out a dollop and tried it on my upper thigh.

I pushed the cloth strip down and proceeded to pull it off my skin. Half of the wax came off of that area. I had to try and get the rest to come off ,so three tries later I had finally succeeded.

Oh, and yes, this was extremely painful. Just in case everyone isn't aware, you are not supposed to wax the same area twice. It pulls the blood vessels up to the surface of your skin and creates bruises. So great, my upper thigh was throbbing in pain, and bruised.

The cloth strips were shedding into little lint pieces as well and embedding themselves into the wax.

I got another applicator and a gob of wax fell straight onto my bathroom rug. I promptly stepped right into it. Anything that was on my bathroom floor starts to adhere to my foot. Dirt, hair, an old wrapper.

I was also trying to get all of this done before the wax cooled. Another gob fell off and onto my favorite towel.

I felt completely sticky and disgusting, attempted a few more spots before giving up in defeat.

Oh and that test patch I did on the back of my wrist? It is now a giant red mark from when I had to try and get all of it off by scrubbing and picking at it.

Maybe I am just not quite getting it. I mean the pros that do this for people all the time don't seem to have a problem. Maybe that girl in the beauty salon could do a better job. Is it worth it though?

That, I am not sure as of yet. Maybe I should just start hugging trees.


Now: August 21, 2010


All I can say is thank you Jesus for advances in technology that were a few years away. I totally financed laser hair removal like the American consumer I am, and I slapped $1000 on a credit card to get laser hair removal. I later went on and paid another $300 to get my underarms done, that's how much I loved it.

The laser hair removal process is embarrassing, funny, and painful all at the same time, there's another blog that will explain that years on down the road. I rationalized this by figuring in the cost and time that I spent with all this wax, not to mention impending possible emergency room visits given the chance that I sealed my vagina shut with honey wax.