Immunity

Note to all of your bodies: Never ever, ever, get an auto-immune thingie.

After spending all of those months ill as all of your sicknesses combined, I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt. Instead I am left with creditors calling me more than my friends, a negative bank account, and I am sitting here with mashed up lemon peels on each side of my temples in an attempt to alleviate this headache that is pounding itself into my head like a Nickeback song on repeat. I can only take Tylenol as all of the other pain guys hurt my stomach, and I hear Tylenol is bad on a sad liver, and I had some of the booze last night so since I GUESS I love my liver, I am reduced to trying natural remedies. (not working)

I went on an eBay marathon listing things like crazy last night, so I didn't crawl into slumberland til past 5:00 a.m., so while I was tired today, I was still doing pretty all right considering. I was ready to be the most productive person on the planet since Donald Trump, when out of nowhere I got a phone call from the unemployment office.

Why have I filed for unemployment? Because I was not well enough to return to work and I got canned from my fun job. Why didn't I just continue with my short-term disability? Well, because I have NO idea how lazy rednecks stay on disability forever, because it is actually harder to stay on than actually getting up and going to work. They basically bullied my Doctor into not wanting to send in any more paperwork. Thank GOD I am feeling physically on the up and up, and I will be your fat little friend again in no time, as I am stacking on a few pounds. But, since he would not send in the papers saying I was not well enough to return to work, next comes canned and then comes the unemployment filing, and then comes unemployment asking my Doctor to sign a release stating that I am well enough to work again.

Which in true Dominique's life form he did not. So now I am in Catch 22 land. Only in my world could I get fired for not having papers saying I am too sick only to not be able to file for unemployment and go through job services due to not having papers saying I am well enough to work again.

You know how angry I got right? You know how well I operate when I am angry right? I SHOWED THEM BY CRYING ON THE PHONE AND FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS! Why do my eyes decide to rain on all the hos when I am pissed? If I can solve this mystery and make that not happen anymore, I would probably rule the universe, so there is probably a reason why this doesn't happen; the universe likes being safe and happy right now. This fault of mine has always led me to hiccup through a pile of snot and reddened eyes, "I'm not sad I'm MAD damnit!!!"

I am now left with my residual bawlbaby headache. But not all is lost. Back to the Future is on, and this movie brings back many fond memories. Namely learning all my first cuss words from it and getting my mouth washed out with soap due to said cuss words.

When I have days like this, I always say, "It's cool tomorrow will probably be totally awesome to make up for today." And then when tomorrow isn't, I just repeat that all over again pretending I didn't say it the day before. And there is always beer. And puppy cuddles. And a sweet truck I saw outside that somehow managed to trump my neighbors giant red truck that has the sticker on the back that says "Pimp Inside."