The Good the Bad & The Mildly Unnatractive

So I had that talk where I try to maintain a positive attitude. And things really did get on the up and uppish?

I applied for, and received a job in a mere 1.5 day's time. I was very excited for this.

I went out that same night with a friend that was in town visiting and we had a lot of fun.

We went to a bar that made me feel olde. See, I can go to places like da club and I can drink loads of jagerbombs and dance my unadulterated overadulterated ass off. But When I enter an overly crowded bar that is playing Katy Perry to be ironic as two pool tables stuff themselves into overly crowded said bar that is swimming with a sea of hipsters, I start to feel a little out of the loop.

Because at least at da club they aren't being pretentious. That's what you are there for. These kind of places are almost designed to make you feel uncomfortable once you set foot in there if your shade of plaid is not up to Urban Outfitters par with the rest of the population.

It was still fine, screaming over Lady Gaga. I can honestly as stated above,make the best of all situations.

We had an ending of the night drink and then I went home. And foolishly checked my email. One thing you should never do when awaiting news on something is check your email at 3:00 a.m.

Your brain is not functioning correctly, and you are at a heightened sense of odd emotion that only kicks into high gear past the hour of midnight. My unemployment had been denied, and while I had this new up and coming part-time job, I have also had creditors and a car payment due.

And might I mention AGAIN, that I got fired due to being too ill to come to work?

Well, we did what is to be expected of me and let some fat rain fall from my eyes. Wiped that rain off with toilet paper windshield wipers, and asked it to please stop.

But there had been a tsunami brewing in my brain, and the storm was angry. And my eyes kept leaking. And piece after piece of t.p. could not dam up the floodgates. And I probably repeated the phrase, "I am so fucked" at least 599787415 times.

And I felt helpless. I have felt helpless a lot lately, but this was that overwhelming sense of I have no more shit to sell, I am afraid things are going to start getting taken from me, I am so tired, but my brain is now telling my body to eat shit and figure this out fast, but my fix it instincts were scrambled since all prior options has officially been exhausted.

Before I knew it, it was 6:45 am and I had officially been weeping for over three hours. And I was beyond loopy.

And even though I am almost a grown 32 years in age, sometimes we all just need our mommy.

I texted my mommy (thanks technology for not being 1995 and making me page her with a 911 at the end of it.)

She almost immediately called me and I was a snotty hiccuping mess of nonsensical and not in the cute rhyming Dr. Seuss way.

She stopped me mid-sentence and said, "Let me get your dad on the phone."

I froze.

Sorry, but my dad is not the person I melt on. I was wondering what he could even possibly do at this point to even begin to comprehend the inane ramblings of a female on the verge of Sylvia Plathing herself.

He got on the phone and I hiccuped so many of the things I just did to my mother.

My dad is a very intense and serious sounding person. We never have had a heart to heart. As a matter of fact, we didn't speak for almost ten years.

And in the interim of us speaking over these past few years it has been light funny conversation. Or when I am being an irrational idiot, he says things that says he cares, but also tell me I am being an idiot.

I was being an idiot this time. I was feeling sorry for myself and crying why me. He stopped me in his calm voice and said:

"When we had to move you kids out here from Iowa, it is because my law partner was a drunk and a criminal. He was my best friend. He embezzled all my money. We had to file bankruptcy, and we had to siphon money from your college funds so we could even barely get standing on our feet again.

It was horrible. I had to mop floors as a janitor and your mom had to work in the Frito Lay factory, and we had you five kids to support. That was the lowest point in my life. I had this wife I was supposed to support, and here she was working in a Frito Lay factory while I mopped floors, after going to law school mind you."

I thought to myself, "Well that sucks. I hate that I was such an asshole kid during this period of time, and hearing other people's stories like this sucks too. How does this help me?" Selfish, not selfish. It just made me feel bad.

He said to me to elaborate. "You need to realize that you are going to reach the lowest of your low. You are going to be so down and you are going to be so out. And all these people that you feel are screwing you over, you can't take it personally. This is greed. These are businesses and corporations. They don't hate you persay, they are just greedy people that only care about themselves at the end of the day, and while you may feel powerless, the only way you will be powerless is if you lay down like a beaten dog and take it. You just keep standing up and you keep plowing through this.

You have opportunity. You are smart, you are going to school, you are so close to done, and you just have to get right back up again and not let people that mean as little to you as you do to them bring you down to the ground. You earn things in this world, and that makes them that much sweeter. If you actually have to work for something and not have it handed to you, you are going to appreciate it that much more. That being said, what me and your mother love most about you kids is that you have always been so independent and you guys are smart, so smart and intelligent, but at times life is going to hand you things you can't quite understand and be able to handle. I know you are self-sufficient, and I know how much you hate asking for help.

But it's not your fault you got sick. You can't control your body. And your mom and I are where we are now because we worked hard for it and we fought for it. And we love you guys so much, we will do whatever it takes to see you succeed. And you need to not feel guilty for taking our help during these times. You need to stop seeing yourself as a burden when we help you and you need to take it and stop blaming yourself for all of these things happening to you. We love you, that is why we are here and we are happy to help you and make sure you are able to get out of this.

Then my father said to me words I will never, ever, ever in my lifetime forget.

And maybe this will sound like the lamest thing ever, but I don't care. The next thing he said, trumps any lyric of any song I have ever heard, it surpasses any deep and thought provoking sentence I have read in a novel. Namely because he meant it, and also because he gave me faith that the beauty of the human spirit is still alive and kicking and it made me not want to drown myself in the bathtub.

"You know. Your mother has a lot of health problems. And she is so kind. She is so sweet and selfless. She is so happy through it all. And she reminds me so much of you in that aspect. And at this stage in her life, she requires help for a lot of the problems she goes through. And she is just like you in the way that she doesn't want to burden anyone or put anyone out by having to receive help for anything. And when I help your mother with things, just as I feel about helping you out with things, I don't look at it as a burden. Because of who you both are, I look at it as a privilege."

I say this with all honesty, I think going through everything that I have, with all of the frustrations and financial difficulties and trying to get myself back on the up and up again, I would do it all again 1,000 times over just to hear someone utter that paragraph again.